im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
