I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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