I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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