I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
