So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
