I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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