I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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