So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
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No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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