ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
