dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
