She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
