the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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