I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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