R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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