you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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