So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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