I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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