I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I came so hard my ears popped.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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