i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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