how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The uberlube is also flammable
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
