Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
