There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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