: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
