Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She said her name was "party"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
