he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
