We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
