i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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