There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
