I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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