no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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