I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
