that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
