Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
