I met the friendliest cop last night
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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