I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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