i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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