Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
