I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
