This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
