What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
