My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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