i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
