he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
