I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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