If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
