Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
