So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
