So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
