My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
