either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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