ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
