And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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