You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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