I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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