from now on my penis is your penis
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
