From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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