Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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